A month or so ago I started this blog thinking that no one would ever find it, let alone read it or follow it. I was spending far too much time binge watching Project Runway on Hulu while my son fell asleep nursing. Since he’s only 3 months old I spend a lot of time snuggled up with him acting as a human milk machine. I absolutely love nursing him, but I realized that I needed to do something for me. I love writing so thought I would give blogging a try and here I am!
I am absolutely and obviously a beginner, but doing this has made me think differently about things. I have started reading more blogs, and making connections with other moms and people (I really appreciate you & your support!). My mindset about every day experiences have changed and I realize that I have gained a lot more than just a writing outlet from starting Bexer’s Blog. I am really thinking more deeply about my family and my life.
Before I might have snapped a picture of my kids playing while I was drinking my morning coffee and send it to my husband at work or to their grandparents to show them a cute moment where they were reading in the fort.
Now, I see these moments and take some time to reflect. In this moment I was no longer sleep deprived and trying to pass the time and drink a hot cup of coffee…. I was a mom fortunate enough to be home with her kids, helping them learn and grow (and trying to drink a hot cup of coffee).
That’s me now…. like my blog says… I’m a Speech-Language Pathologist turned Stay-At-Home-Mom. Except, here’s my confession… I’m not actually a SAHM (yet!). I have been on maternity leave for the past 3 months caring for my son.
Yesterday, was my first day back to work…. and I sobbed. Like a little kid who dropped their ice-cream cone. The tears were flowing as I drove away with two empty car seats in the car, and I questioned over and over again why I was stupid enough to wear makeup?? (at least it was waterproof). I was not ready to leave my little man all day. To be fair, he was with the most wonderful women and had a great first day for the most part. But arriving to pick him up at the end of the day and hearing him upset put the biggest lump in my throat. What is that lump?! Guilt? For having left him. Sadness? To see him upset. Joy? Knowing that I would have him back in my arms and be able to calm him.. (I felt like the cast of Inside Out was going crazy in my brain). Today was a better day, and I’m sure that tomorrow will be better still. But holy moly, these days are stressful.
Thankfully I only work three days per week in a public school, so I still get plenty of time at home with my nuggets and at this point there is only about 5 weeks of school left. Then I will be a SAHM for real. Some call me crazy, but I can’t wait for this chapter of my life to begin. Speech Pathology will always be a part of me, and I will most certainly return to my career when my kids are older. But for now, I am all in for the messy, sticky, poop and laughter filled days ahead of me at home with my loves.
Like my mug says… Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and be calm in your heart. Blogging has oddly enough given me a sense of reflection that I needed. I consciously sort out what is important to me; what I really want to spend my time doing, or reading or watching. I am reminded to enjoy this crazy life of mine and I am actually easily able to find calm among the chaos. Being with my children makes my heart at peace, and I know that finding that peace makes me a better Mom.
Five more weeks… I can do it!